A Defibrillator Going Off is the Scariest Feeling That You Can Never Expect

“How did you hold still?”

Today’s post aims to give as many little sacred glimpses into little video-visuals of life as possible; To be as immersive as possible. I hope you like the style?

Pre-myelo unglam-Glam

“I don’t know how you did it,” my friend said, flattering me for too much: “How did you hold still?”

She had (sadly) just experienced her first defibrillator shock from the ICD inside her chest, and she (kindly) remembered the time I was on a table, with 2 to 3 separate needles IN the nerves in my neck, preparing for an ablation, when my defibb went off… twice.

“How did you hold still?”

A defib going off is the scariest feeling that you can never expect. Ever. After, you have to find peace with the fact that- at any moment - your body can cause you enormous pain, surprise and a donkey-like-kick-to-the-chest (as it’s most often described), of its own accord, at any moment… forever.

How did I hold still during that with needles in my neck? No idea. But having needles in my nerves and spinal canal IS getting old, the older and older I get.

Not just because I know things can go wrong, or because it’s a Deaf person nightmare with no sightline… But just because holding your body still while waiting for pain is an exhausting premise and my fortitude for doing so doesn’t mean it feels any better. I hurt just the same.

This last round, I got the CFS leak headache again, even though it’s been 4 years since my last. (“Pretty good odds”, I said, feeling lucky while having to lay flat for about 5 days in a dark room). This time, it made me dizzy and nauseous too, not just in pain. (Who knew?)

We scheduled the blood patch procedure and literally ON the day of - almost a working week after the myelo - I woke up and could tell…