“Do You Need Anything?” My Eldest Daughter Asks

I can’t read.

I tried to today for the first time in a long time, and the second I start… my brain writes books of its own.

And it’s not in a surmountable way. It’s an exorcism of alliteratives, clawing their way out of my skull in a mobocratic manner.

I try not to use the word “manic” when there are those with actual diagnosed mania and diagnosed many-things to which the word should be reserved… but, much like the strange pain-productivity that takes over my body like an Animorph in order to get things done while hurting, something inside of me “switches” and the words strangle within; a monsoon, inwards out.

“Do you need anything?” my eldest daughter asks as she heads back inside to grab a drink. It’s the first time I’ve had a “morning off” in a month, and I’m a firm believer that off is only and forever meant to be out (side.)

“A new body,” I say in reply, and she knows exactly why, since I’d just been lamenting about how much I want to leap to my laptop to unleash the Hagadoth of havering… but the cost of pain is rarely ever worth the post. Do I write here to feel levity from Likes that won’t arise? An outer affirmation of an inner monologue? OR do I write because I don’t believe in Will and Testaments, and this is the closest I’ll ever leave behind.

My eldest is a reader. I’m proud of that, even if those very pages can be the source of my over-wrought and often-too-dramatic torment. Maybe THAT is something I’ve left behind? An actual will and testament?

A teenager who genuinely likes to read.

“Are you going inside?” I ask. (She doesn’t like the sun. Or body temperature changes. Or really any discomfort off personal base line.)

“Maybe,” she says, as she stands up to leave.

“That’s Kage for ‘no’”, I say in reply, knowing her well enough to know her “no’s” without her knowing them.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever was a person who knew what “off base” even meant. There is no center any more. Was there ever a place where overheating from the sun felt like Too Much, and books didn’t unleash arrogant legacies of lexicons, and needing a new body wasn’t the first dish on the menu?

“Go ahead,” I say, smiling to reassure… ”I’m right behind you.”

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