I Examine What My “Quality of Life” Means to Me

A LOT is going on behind the scenes

Welcome to a new week Word Nerds!

I just had surgery yet again (“just had” becomes sort of relative) and am not supposed to be heavily typing right now, but I didn’t want to let down my promise here.

Today, you’ll see a much longer, unabridged version written for Substack (but wherein I’ll likely post some scraps of this later on catchingbreaths).

Because it’s long and unfiltered and special, and because I’m trying to keep this place alive, it IS the only “locked” piece of the week… but Word Nerds who support this ongoing memoir help make unlimited scholarships possible, so IF you ever need one- Just ask!

I have luckily been able to hook many friends up with one, and all you have to do is email me (bailey@catchingbreaths.org) or shoot me a Direct Message on Instagram. I am most likely to see those the fastest, though I apologize for what a massive-are delay I have in responding to literally anyone who’s a human bean right now.

I haven’t text my best friend back. I haven’t Glided my other best friend in over 3 weeks (we normally Glide nearly everyday on my commute). And I pretty much only have a chance to chat with my kiddo or 4 cats any given day, if I’m lucky. I am so so so sorry if you are someone who is kind enough to care about me as a friend, and I’m being a poor, poorly friend back right now.

Times have been tough (a LOT is going on behind the scenes), but I WILL come up for air ASAP.

After the funeral of my friend next weekend (details, of which, I might lovingly share here too so she can be further remembered by as many as possible)- which I’m partially responsible for trying to make happen (something she undoubtedly deserved)- I will be a little more present.

Additionally, I am adjusting to working 5 days a week for the first time in a very long time (I normally work 5 days a week but I normally do so from home, which is a whole different type of timeline!), and doing so less than 2 weeks after this last surgery.

I still have stitches in my back and “be driving up and down the world” and hopping around as a choreographer sooooooo…. I am having a lot of pain whiplash right now.

I’m icing every part of my dang body at night when I want to the least, and still cannot seem to adjust fast enough (but I will?)

(Anyone else relate?)

Moreover… anyone who’s ever recovered from anything knows that even if you’re a psycho like me who proceeds with work or doesn’t get to “recover” in a traditional sense all the time: Pain makes us move slower.

So everything- whether going to pour coffee, or washing my face, or going to pour coffee (I drink a lot of java)- takes twice as long. I am the least carbon gas of human beings = deeply inefficient and potentially harmful?

(Someone explain science to me later, yeah?)

Anyways, I am honored to anyone who takes the time to read in this world… let alone reading my little fallible wordy-words… So THANK YOU for being here. I felt you deserved far more than this update, but for now: Here is an extra long post and a nice full week of ‘stacks (the usual schedule)-

And I might drop a chatty video update next week, so we can all tell one another how we are and catch up?

I will also tell you about the funeral, because this is my first time planning a funeral, and the person whom I’m able to pay homage to would have done the same for me except twenty-times better so….

As much as I can memorialize her (and let others imagine her as their guardian angel too): I will.

This week will be a little sloppy, a little messy, a little pained (VERY pained)…

But forgive me?

Healing isn’t linear but… I’m so thankful to have your hand to hold as we round the bends of each twist and turn.

xo

PS. Spot the paws in the photo below

In 2024, I chose to de-stigmatize mental health in my own life because sometimes the only way to hope to create change is to… DO.

If or when your words can’t land, you can just act, and hope that, eventually, it’ll mean something.

But the pain of this year can’t be put into words. I can never fully explain what’s happened or is happening. And that sounds like drama, but it REALLY isn’t.

The physical pain has been brutal beyond what I like to say or display.

If we meet in person, you won’t see it.

If we are dance colleagues to come, you won’t see it.

If you’re walking around anywhere for more than 20 minutes or we have to sit in any restaurant booth anywhere, ever - you’ll probably eventually see a glimpse of it.

I’ve been floored, flattened… and now must examine what my “quality of life” means to me in new terms.

A couple pure friendships grew stronger, saw each other clearer. A couple heartbreaks became awareness and knowledge. Things were so much worse than I can say as I keep saying, but… Realizing you CAN go on is what makes nightmares hold less power? (Even if I need to now start dreaming properly again with the right people. So friends: Reach out if you also need to dream. Just be warned that when I dream I DO, lol. So that’s a healthy disclaimer. Dreams will become realities if we want them to. And I miss dreaming)

I’m lucky to be alive.