I Found Out I Was Having 2 Surgeries In the Span of 2 Days

I just didn’t have the energy to care

I found out I was having 2 surgeries in the span of 2 days.

One just happened, and the other is happening soon (but don’t worry: Life is still life’ing along, and I am still the same me).

Finding out about both though- within the span of 48 hours- when I didn’t expect either to happen, was utterly gutting.

The wind was knocked out of me for days, but since I was having the wind knocked out of me for other reasons nearly every single time I looked at my phone… I just didn’t have the energy to care.

It’s sometimes really that simple.

Sometimes even personal things aren’t personal (to me)… They’re just a means to an end.

I am living with something that is never going to magically go away (as far as I know). The only way to live with it… is to live with it. (“Slow down, Confucius. Too wise, too wise.”)

This surgery was something I had absolutely no doubts about, despite the fact I was surprised at how quickly it came about.

I had to 12 appointments done in 2 weeks, while dealing with things that felt more important to me, always (family)… Including seeing an ENT, my heart specialist, my CF clinic, a GI specialist, a much needed check in with my liver doctor, my PCP (always funny how I have to see my primary wizard in person for surgery sign offs, even though I also have to see all these other friends), the surgeon himself for the final-final pre-op, and then a formal pre-op at the hospital itself. This did not include a few other appointments for what’s to come… But that’s all in due time.

Considering how much of a pill my damn liver is being right now... I honestly thought my liver was going to keep dragging me down, if this was some kind of race.

Given what my labs have been like, I know I need some type of Bile Godmother to bless me with glitter and signing squirrels but… I was terrified about what was going on behind-the-scenes, leading up to this week’s surgery on my cervical spine.

But wait… Didn’t the surgery get paused?

Correct.

TWICE.

For white blood cells that were way too high.

However, I had already taken the time (and pain- eek) to write about how this experience felt when finding out about both, prepping rapidly, and assuming it would happen… That I didn’t want to completely re-write history just because it didn’t go through.

This still felt how it felt, and I had no way of knowing it wouldn’t work.

This surgery, in no uncertain terms, needed to happen… because I was slowly losing feeling in my shoulders, then my arms, and lately: my hands.

Now, even though I’ve lost movement in my left leg three times before (now, four!), I’m sure you can imagine that- as a Deaf person- being able to text is critical when I can’t call, being able to sign is critical because its my culture, being able to use my hands is my primary means of communication. The world sees a “talking Deaf person” and don’t realize that to lose sign language (let alone the other typing ways in which I find safety and connection in an audit world), would not have a word to match the level of devastation.

So… this has to happen.

But what happened?

One disc at a time…. See you tomorrow (and send Bile Godmothers my way?)

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