I Have a Fractured Vertebrae

If we say “no” or “stop” with our bodies and our pain…

Extra long, extra unedited [chopped apart] thoughts

xo,

B

I have a fractured vertebrae in my spine.

Yes, this is new news to me.

I found this out by accident a couple of days ago when a CT scan showed ongoing data we are monitoring in my abdomen(which I swear I’ll report on soon, once I have a better clue myself. Don’t worry!)- BUT…

I also realized I had new information to tell my neuroscience and spine specialist team.

Some of the info was yawn levels of known (for example, the scoliosis and degenerative changes that have been hurting my spine, hips and SI joints for the last few years. All noted). But some of the info was brand spanking new. Info like a “fracture in a specific part of the lumbar spine that has failed to heal properly”.

And the crazy thing is twofold. The first is that this was one of the least interesting things about this CT scan, albeit the most plot twist. The second is that I deal with so much horrific pain in my spine all the time, that the new numbness and on-and-off nonsense happening on my left side hadn’t even made my Worry List.

I told my partner one day when walking into work because I was alarmed with how things felt … but I otherwise have been back to working out, dancing and prepping the next phases in life ahead, despite how sh*tty I feel. I just feel way sh*trier for other reasons than for that one. Totem pole bottom, for sure.

“I haven’t talked to my spine doc yet, so I don’t have any thoughts yet. But it seems like this is something that could have been trying to heal for a month or two… ?” I said to my daughter while reading the report.

“What the heck could I have done to fracture a part of my back again?” I said, somewhat rhetorically.

I’ve had a hip fracture in the past, so this isn’t new to me.

But then she said: “Um, Mom. You fell of a damn horse.”

And since she was right and I had forgotten that so quickly…

We both couldn’t stop laughing for much of the night.

▪️▪️▪️▪️

“You’re stupid.”

This is what my daughter said to me this week… and she was right.

I had just asked an amazing sign language interpreter if she wouldn’t mind being released from duty for the day, and my family couldn’t fully understand why.

I made sure the interpreter would still get paid for the day and that she was okay with that call (we had called ahead beforehand, but it just hadn’t gotten to the ‘terping team), but I knew that I wanted to mentally “check out” during my sedated feeding tube procedure.

It’s weird to think I wouldn’t want to know what was going on in an OR with Radiology staff wearing masks, but my fear left me craving a complete unplug.

Why am I so scared of an annual procedure that’s not even scary?

I said I’d explain (a couple of days ago) and I’m an overly wordy human who tries to be of their word.

I’m going to put this very bluntly, because I don’t know how else to say it. Why place a soft amber filter over a monochrome — ?

Many many years ago, before I was at my CF clinic and had a great team, I had my feeding tubes changed out and didn’t know then that my J tube causes a lot of pain and bleeding when it’s pulled. It’s unlike my G. So raw dogging it turned out to be acutely —.

The reason I am now terrified of these non-scary situations, however (despite how many actually insufferable surgeries of suffering I’ve suffered in my life) is because I have a very hard time speaking up for myself on painful situations.

But this time, in the past, I finally did. I was covered in sweat and shaking while trying to hold still from the pain. The female interpreter and female nurse nearby were trying to advocate for me too, but finally, I spoke up.

I politely but fervently asked in panic if we could pause for a second. I expressed how much pain I was in, whilst (at that time) on zero meds. Something felt too much. I never say that… and yet I did.

And the radiologist doctor didn’t stop.

I said “no” and a man didn’t stop.

He proceeded to brush off what I said- urging that it would be done soon anyways (it wasn’t)- and kept going.

I don’t know need to say more here, I think, than what I’ve said. Anyone who’s ever known this feeling in former moments can imagine how something like that would feel in a different setting. Less horrific than what I’m referencing, but from this, memories were dredged up in ways I couldn’t control and didn’t expect …

And since then, I’ve been irrationally scared of that procedure.

If we say “no” or “stop” with our bodies and our pain… Sometimes we just need the world to f*cking listen.

My daughter and I laughed so hard when she called me “stupid” for dismissing a much needed interpreter just because my nerves had me so bent, that I couldn’t imagine tracking any one or anything in that OR.

I just wanted to… check out.

PART THREE. (Last part)

Kindly consider booming a supportive Word Nerd if you’re able (every little bit counts) to help keep this work going