I Have Looked at Mobility (And Help) Through That Lens For Far Too Long

We can choose who we become, sometimes… but we can’t choose what happens to us.

The last time I had to use a cane… I didn’t.

I tried it for a couple of weeks, not knowing my left shoulder was hurt as well, and that the pain I was associating with “aid” was valid. Real.

“It hurts me more to walk with the cane then it does to just not put full weight on that foot as I limp around.,” I’d proclaimed to everyone and no one.

But last time… I really failed at it, so for the recovery (which turned out to be a recovery interrupted by another surgery and recovery that didn’t recover me and another after that): I thought I’d motivate myself by cataloging “normal people outfits” at work (then) to get myself OUT the door and prevent myself from feeling tempted to dance. I hoped my joy in budget design and capsule wardrobes would be incentive enough to hold still and grip the stick.

It didn’t work. It sort of worked? It sometimes worked.

But the can-be-caustic, can-be-painful costing of clothing wasn’t enough to make my cane technique smooth. I can’t tell you the amount of times I preferred to cancel plans, hide, and avoid humans altogether than “sometimes use a cane and sometimes not.” (I’m an all or nothing person, which is mostly always not a thing to brag about.)

I, unfortunately, have looked at mobility (and help) through that lens for far too long.

Sometimes I need outfits that make me feel powerful and the accountability of posting them, therein. Or I needed this photoshoot that was for work but felt anything but, while very much needing stability and safety.

I’m not consistently using any aid right now but … What about when or if my back goes out temporarily? Do I stay shuttered inside, my own Shutter Island, working from home… or do I find a way to LIVE as the person I am now?

We can choose who we become, sometimes… but we can’t choose what happens to us.

I have shame around canes. I have shame around things the world sees as silly (like style, even if mine is a uniform at best). I have shame around almost everything that brings me solace…

Shame about the shame, most of all.

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