I Was Supposed to Have a Secret Surgery This Week

“I didn’t want to jinx it”

I know I have made an ‘Every Weekday’ writing commitment to supportive readers here, but read below to see why I missed the top of the week.

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I was supposed to have a secret surgery this week.

The reason it was going to be “secret” was twofold:

First, as I explained to some dance friends and students beforehand, “I didn’t want to jinx it” because I had it timed somewhat perfectly. That, it’s safe to say, almost never safely happens.

It was happening ‘urgently’, which was needed because this operation is important me, but it was also happening with ideal timing to promises I’d made to my family, my work, and… even myself.

Not wanting to “jinx” a surgery is a real thing, if you’ve had enough of them.

My double spine operation this past winter was pushed off by a couple of months at the last second, and it literally blew up a lot of my life at the time.

“How is work going?” the surgeon asked, some time later.

“It doesn’t exist anymore,” I said rather callously, watching him feel guilty for something he couldn’t control. (“I told you that if we didn’t do it fast I’d lose everything!” I wanted to say, blaming someone who shouldn’t be blamed…. but ‘everything’ to him means my life so… he did exactly what he’s supposed to do.)

My gastric pacemaker surgery was pushed off many, many years ago too because I had a fever right as I was about to go back into the OR, and hadn’t realized. “With your history,” the surgeon had said, “I’m not risking it. Contact your CF team, and let’s do this when you’re feeling better”.

Some surgeries are “perfectly lined up”, meaning I have someone ready to be with me after… I’ve fit it as best I can into whatever my dance schedule is at that time… and I can foresee a rushed path back to healing (even if I normally shorten that too much). Some surgeries are urgent (like my ‘in the middle of the night gallbladder and appendix removal’). I’ve had all kinds, but they all still feel like ‘horrible interruptions in life for which you’re never ready’.

The one I’m supposed to be recovering from right now, as I write this, was dropped on me rather suddenly, but the knowing that something was ‘wrong’ and needed aid had been increasing for some time. I just (naively) didn’t think they’d do anything about it that quickly.