I Worry About Being Sedated Around Someone Who Isn’t Sworn to Love

“How is your body holding up?”

He text me this at 11 today- the first text that’s arrived before lunch in weeks. I didn’t reply because I knew he wouldn’t like the answer… but I was thrilled he’d checked in.

His job does not make checking in an easy feat, and our love language is not that anyways. I do my autonomous things and we talk about it later, but lately, I want to lie about that less. I don’t want to do all the medical sh*t alone… I’m not actually cool or independent. I’m needy and I just want someone to rub my back.

His work won’t allow it. 5 days total permitted all year as a special education school teacher. But I wish that our society built a world where we aren’t penalized for realizing that life is short (in emergencies). I wish I could change so much. The whole world just needs a back scratch right now.

My friend was going to take me to get my feeding tubes changed ages ago (we sedate because of the J), and I worry about being sedated around someone who isn’t sworn to love me even though I know she loved me. It just seems unfair, you know?