I’ll Never Be Kate Beckinsale Who Never Raises Her Eyebrows

(Also, Anyone else out there who talks to bumblebees?)

This post is a pretty damn long beauty post… but if you like really stupid puns, you will like what’s ahead even if you have no interest in skincare and such.

Read this first, then scroll to the bottom to watch the full video

I decided to make this extra long as a ‘Stack thanks, but also while ending my week a little early for sneaky-important reasons that’ll come to light next Monday.

I thought about making this one “private'“ because it’s so long- for supportive readers only- but I love that having supportive readers allows me to make writing more accessible, and more and more soon-to-be friends have access to health and cultural topics trepidatiously shared here every weekday…

So the goal shouldn’t always be about hustling for business, but hustling for representation and community and giving?

(I’m bad at business. You maybe know this by now.)

I’d rather be bad at something while trying to be as good-ish of a person as I can be though, than just good at something that doesn’t always feel very good: So this is open to anyone who needs a lighthearted lift, and pleaase feel free to share, comment, care, drop your favorite color with me below (can you guess mine?) and just know that your support helps me justify the work this takes… feel seen and heard (which is a gift my words can’t sculpt into words)… and continue onward with this unfolding memoir.

If I’m going to go “out” on any note - before returning fresh next week (or not so fresh? You’ll see!)- I might as well “fresh face it” and talk about my favorite relaxing topic of all?

Thank you for tolerating me, Word Nerds.

I hope these words filled with wishes and lightness feel like a dandilion ready to blow in the breeze.

Next week will be heavy and honest… So if you have a window in your mind to make a little wish for my well being the rest of this week (and onward), it would be much appreciated.

I’ll update you Monday. Promise.

Your dandelion dreams mean everything…

And I’m so thankful I have this place to put diaries onto a shelf, no matter how dusty the regard for writing seems to get be in the world sometimes.

Thank YOU….

(And say a wish pretty please?)

Every time I am approaching a surgery or recovering from one, I have one very specific “toxic trait”:

I become consumed with skincare research.

I don’t have a steady income - as this ‘podcast of a passionate post’ will somewhat detail - and so everything I do must be done on a “pauper’s” budget.

Right now, our family is going through an even odder financial time than normal, as my partner took off work due to hospitalizations and some surgeries ahead… only for the operations themselves to be moved. To say it turned our life upside down (twice) when this is not the first time this has happened with neurosurgery wrecking our career plans (twice, before this… twice!) is an understatement.

Thankfully, I had a special gift card from a friend that (and I cannot emphasize this enough!): Gave me hours and hours and hours of distaction during many, many, many painful nights as of late, going down the rabbit-hole of research of what I’d want to try, put into “saving” (so I have something waiting when I run out of products I’m currently using), and refill-like alternatives to what I’m about to finish up.

Normally, I research what grandmothers have recommended for periods of time because time is what I’m always chasing  - both as a person who uses chemistry obsessions to deter from pain when static post-op, but also as a person and performer who needs more time.

But lately? Lately, I’ve used my time to try to find things that just create JOY.

Yes, I love books with timeless covers (like Jergen’s Original Face Cream), but I’ve realized I absolutely love creams that have color in them too.

(Which, by the way, is also Jergen’s Original Face Cream since it’s pink and the richest and best. One jar lasts a few timeless lifetimes.)

But because there are SO many products available right now online and it can be so overwhelming for a very OCD, theme-oriented, organized little egg such as myself: How do you possibly boil it down to use a speecial gift card?

This time: I decided to judge a book by its cover, and challenge myself to look for quirkly, unqiue, curious looking chemical concotions that make my heart flutter from vanity when they’re on my (metaphoric) vanity.

Why do I love products with color to them?

It’s definitely marketing. It’s mostly a gimmicky-irrelevant component of any moisturizer or cream purchase… but it makes me smile anyways. Like big, irrational, full-weird grin (while alone in my bathroom, looking like a serial killer contemplating their next victim) all because a cream has a rose or yellow or blue tint to it or whatever.

I saw that E.L.F has a new blue tinted oil called Blue-ty Oil (I mean… Come on. The Dad pun just gives) and now I will stare at it, mightily, willing it to float into my home on some unsuspecting day, like the soul of Emily Binx (because it makes your complexion glow?)

I even have a Wish List for myself from a company called Farmhouse Fresh Goods that I found on Instagram because they “found me” (big brother is listening and big brother has taste). Their adds new exactly what would woo… And I brought the expensive wine to the party in my mind.

There are now long-standing tabs left open on my phone that lead to the following products because- yes, they help ponies and animals and stuffs!- but also… The colors are absolutely delicious. The brand seems to even use that as a shabby-not-so-chic thread in it’s visuals, which clearly is something I value. Because they are high value though (given their ethos and philanthropy with animals however, I fully slow-clap that), I simply will enjoy the act of wishing for now because… Isn’t that some of the fun?

Some products and brands might never be in our price range or caste cache, but it doesn’t mean we can’t admire the act of admiration (and I am lucky to have enough drugstore goodies and gift from loving friends to survive. There is no complex complexion apocolypse happening here, I just have a small, special wish list in my mind that actually gets smaller with time, luckily, the more and more I realize what makes my heart go pitter patter and what’s not worth the overhead-cartoon-bubble.)

One thing that’s kind of cool (and slightly more in my reach one day), is they allow you to pick three product minis of any kind to try for $30. So, maybe one day, I’ll try these 3 and see what I see?

And Deaf person approved? Hell yes.

Perhaps because you enjoy daydreaming as well, or researching products in the wee hours of the mourn’(ing for more brands that support animals)… You might enjoy this wee Wishing Well, as well:

The Moon Dip: I don’t know if I’d pick the golden one or the pink one, but I’ve been obsessing about this perhaps the most. The texture, the shimmer, the concept. So much so that I tried to make a version of my own with my sunscreen and any broken or low-budget highlighter around (you can see that in action in the video at the top!), but I am still deeply curious about this and love the planetoid play in the title.

Pink Dust (Illuminating Peptide Serum): If I imaginerily got the pink’y serum, I wonder if I would imagineraly get the golden moon dip, to balance it out? Or just commit to the Paris-Hiltonian secret side of myself and go for a color that works well with the olive undertones in my skin? Or is it more fun to have differing colors, in imaginary land, because the more color the more fun? Either way, the world is full of companies who give lackluster names to their products and have eratic themes in their branding (something that bothers me to no end because nothing makes me geek out more than a quality theme or consistent concepts), the name “pink dust” is just a shimmeringly-good simmer of a system.

Sunflower Honey Butter: Sunflowers mean a lot to me emotionally because they make me think of my mother… But honey means a lot to my skin on a surface level because my surface reacts to it like a jive to a hive. I LIVE for honey style products (and not because my siblings have called me “Bee” my whole life, growing up- I’m not that self absorbed, I swear)… But my body just absorbs honey as if I was a bumble in another life. If you asked me my favorite cream to date that is not a cold cream like Jergen’s or Ponds - which I am annoyingly open about loving, despite how “retro” retroactive it might seem- is the L’oreal Manuka Honey Balm. It has the word “balm” in it (tick). It is bordering on too-thick (tick); Like the Zack Morris of ointments. To the level that I haven’t found anything exactly like it- my cold creams are much easier to blend in- and always regret not spending the $15 it’s price at on Amazon to restock when I need something, or to just spend my non-existent life savings to fill a storage unit with them in bulk and then just use that forever and ever, the-end. Though, if I weren’t so pleased with basic, low budget cold creams, and daydreaming about colorful brands like Farmhouse Fresh here, I would probably add trying the L’oreal Honey Day Cream to my bucketlist to see if I like it as much. Either way, their Rosy Creams and Honey Creams are better, in my opinion, than any designer or expensive moisturizers around- while removing classic cold creams from the chat room, of course. (Anyone else out there who loves bumblebees and even talks to them, openly in public, as if they’re puppies?)

Yes, they have other products with magical colors to them (the Bakuchiol Booster looks visually like the Stratia Liquid Gold mentioned below but the price tag makes me backwash a little. Though, if I ever were wildly famous for writing about beauty product backwash, I’d definitely get it because the concept behind this farm-oriented company is the stuff of dreams. I want to volunteer to work there), including their Silky Gelees that look like they’d hit the spot for those who prefer that texture (greens, blues), but I’d definitely pick the Bluephoria Chill-Out Super Moisture Mask the most, if someone said, “But what is the fourth product you’d choose?” at gunpoint. I mean… It even says the color in the name.

Actually I just lied at glam-gunpoint. It’d be that OR the Sunflower SuperBalm Firming Peptide Boost. That one would be a solid tie with the Honey product I mentioned, because both itch the yellow part of my brain- which is something I’ll explain in the Pixar version of my life.

(It will just be Inside Out, but beauty products and colors… and that’s the movie.)

Anyways, all in all, for all the creams I’ve tried over the years (all budget, of course, unless a gift or free trial), I have consistently loved and become loyal to the ones with color.

Here’s the roster of favorites for No One (who asked):

L’Oréal Rosy Tone Cream: I haven’t purchased this in awhile because it’s rarely sold any more (and thus too much on Amazon at a whopping $18 or so, hehe), but if you spot one at Marshall’s or something some day, send that unicorn my way? I have never tried the one on Amazon that’s called Age Perfect Golden Age because I am not sure if there is a difference (is it the rosy one with a little more gold to it? Amazing. Does it smell as good as the normal one? Amazing. What about the Cooling Night one? I assume it’s amazing). I started by using the one without SPF when it was still in drugstores and L’oreal was- frankly- not as damn un-drugstore expensive as it has become lately, but I also would say the one with SPF 30 is hands down one of my all time favorite sunscreens (the other is probably the oil type sunscreen from Supergoop). Because finding a sunscreen that I actually want to wear is so hard, I’ve found that L’oreal creams with spf- though not the most perfect with social media trends or far superior European sunscreens- are the best for me, by far, no matter the cream. If it’s L’oreal and in a jar like this one, and happens to have suncreen in it, then I’ll wear it every day and not skip spf (because it both combines a tedious step AND their creams are lush and pleasing to me, in terms of texture-avoidance). A lot of comment-review-type-people online said they hated this rosy cream because of its strong rose smell… but that’s primarily why I love(d) it. It made me feel like a grandmother gave it to me (on brand) and was so satisfying, and added a healthy looking glow to my skin. There is no such thing as a product that’s “too rich”, in my opinion, and a lovely scent just ups the love-at-first-greasy-slime (it’s an upgraded sensory experience! free perfume!), but I’m also lucky enough to not have any scent triggered allergies or illnesses. (For those who do, there is a fragrance-free version also!)

It Cosmetics Beauty Sleep Cream: I can’t afford this. I’ll never be able to afford this. But I do love it (why must I fall in love with a free gift with purchase/trial type thing this way?) The one I had was tiny, so I treated it like caviar at the moment, but wow… when I opened it up and saw it was lavender, it was like if Paul Rudd showed up at my door and said: “I know you and your sister have loved me since the ‘Overnight Delivery’ days and could quote it. No one loves me like you love me. They’re all hacks. Marry me and have my babies in your uterus-less body?” And I’d be like “Sure”.

Stratia Liquid Gold: I’ve written about this before and will until the end of time (or end of discount sales on the smallest size available?), but this lasts forever (making the price tag easier to digest) and is worth it. I haven’t been able to get it in about 2 years because we’ve had to worry about any extra expenses that aren’t practical- and most gift cards can’t go to a specialtry brand like this since it’s not carried at Ulta, for example- but the next time I have some stray $20, it would go to that - no pun needed- gold. Yes, because of the ceramides and the quality and the blah blah… but also because it’s literally yellow and makes my skin look so glowy fresh, that sometimes I used just that on my forehead and some highlighter on my temples, and it borderline softened my fine lines from having an expressive face (and since I’ll never be Kate Beckinsale who never raises her eyebrows when she talks and thus has stayed gorgeous forever - not bitter!!!- and my language and life literally IS my face - okay slightly bitter? - I can’t avoid the wrinkles and thus appreciates the golds).

Thank you to any of the Someones who took the time to read this random rainbow ride through the Pixalated puzzle of what makes certain components of skincare actually Joy-ful in ways we don’t often get to talk about when we make everything overly serious and science based…

(And thank you to No One, who asked too.)

IMPORTANT: Is there a product that has a color or scent that makes a unique experience when you use it?