It Feels Like Such a Violation of Trust

( I’m learning that maybe it’s not their fault?)

Today’s post is definitely inspired a fair amount by this one last week…

Which led me to write this one the same day…

And now I’m sharing it.

Unfortunately, because I’m dealing with a lot of pain, this was VERY diary-style (= I have not re-read it enough to check for typos or illogical thinking because I truly cannot)…

So I hope that sharing our diaries with one another now and again is okay?

I hope the thought process behind this one is worth pondering together.

It is no surprise that it’s sometimes hard for me to reply.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, is how I’ll often ask my in-home loves to help me respond (via dictation)… which feels sort of like cheating.

It’s my brain, but their hands.

Even worse: I hate pulling someone else into my personal conversations and avoid it with increasing frequency whenever I can.

It feels like such a violation of trust for that other party, and has become something I care about so much in the last year.

“I’m only going to screenshot the thing they said in 2024 unless it’s so positive, the I know they’d want me to”- I have said far too often to my best friend.

We used to screen shot all the time because it was the only way to run a business with someone (me) who’s hands wouldn't work for long swaths of time.

Now… I guess I’ve given up on being efficient, and chosen as much honesty and integrity as I can instead?

“Keep you receipts” IS good advice.

Keep the digital letter in the way we used to keep papers ones in a box under our bed in olden times (lol).

But this new generation has never felt what privacy feels like. They’ve never known a world where secrets are kept, instead of immediately shared to the group chat. Where, if you can’t reply by your own hand (as is a genuine problem for those with disabilities but not a problem for those who have just become accustomed to hitting ‘forward’ before ‘reply’), you consider just… not replying.

At least you’re helping others have a sense of sacredness within your personal relationship?

Remember when working with someone, or falling in love, or having a kinship… used to mean that you knew sides of them that they might want to hide (unless it’s a side that could truly harm someone else), and you… Hid it?

Rather, you felt privileged to know both sides of the mirror of someone else?

“I’m not going to screenshot, but I will make a video summarizing the sweet thing she said,” is my new catchphrase with my couple of long distance kindreds nowadays, because I’ve seen the ugly side of those who’s ‘ugly side’ is actually their only side.

You think that how much they love talking about others is just something they do with you, because they trust you. And then you realize… That’s actually just who they are.

"Don’t talk about others behind their back,” is probably one of the seven most repeated words I used to say as a mother raising offspring in today’s culture (the youngest of which randomly started loving The Offspring recently, by the way)… With many of the other words aimed at pushing for empathy.

But there ARE people in this world who just can’t have empathy in the way others do, and I’m learning more and more that maybe it’s not their fault.

We are all wired differently, right?

What’s scary, however, is when we can make a life out of knowing someone, and both sides of their mirror, and then you find that all they were doing all along was mirroring at you what you thought you wanted or who you thought they were, while mirroring something else entirely to someone else entirely.

I have learned that empaths can’t see those type of people at all.

It’s like we genuinely can’t recognize them around us until it’s too late.

It’s almost like empathy gives us a form of social blindness (despite how much I hate using the word in any sort of a negative sense), because we are too busy trying to find the understanding in something they did or said for the better?

I hate using disability terms in the negative, as most of us should and do (i.e. “The term “tone deaf” should be voted off the island please!”- yours, The Deaf Community), but…

Maybe empathy is like having a socially-labeled disability?

The world sees it as weakness sometimes, and might take advantage. You might feel isolated, hurt and punished for the way that you were cooked up, sometimes, because you didn’t see “something coming” in the culture around or close connections.

But at the same time… it also makes you exceptional in so many alternate ways.

I wish I could start a “bring back privacy” or “save the letters in a box under your bed” movement or something.

I wish we could all start to say: “I’m not going to screenshot it, but I’ll summarize” as much as possible.

Sidebar: If someone turns out to be plotting some form of evil, that’s exponentially different. Or, if you’re trying to show the truth, evidence, prevent harm from happening to someone else. Or, even if you’re just worried about someone and need a trusted someone to care? But again… what is a “trusted someone” any more, when none of us can trust each other because we all just auto-share everything?!

If screenshotting is the new “talking behind someone’s back” and all generations are increasingly losing their pulse on what it means to have a personal honor code…

Or even to allow for mistakes when they’re not genuinely harmful (or, better yet, the chance for reparations, accountability and apology when they are, should the person mean it and want to)…

What will our society that’s yet to come look like?

What will friendship look like?

Parenting, family, marriage, growing up?

What is a “trusted someone” any more?

PS: Kindly consider booming a supportive Word Nerd if you’re able?

Every little bit counts and helps keep this ongoing memoir going, or…

Share with you someone you like?

(Or would like revenge on)