It’s 1 Million Times Scarier to Walk Right Into the Spaces Where You’ve Failed...

I’m not sure why you’re reading this.

Why you’re here. Why I’m here, sharing even when it feels showy and selfish sometimes. I don’t know if we connect because you also have health problems. Or maybe you homeschool your kids. Or you like pointe shoes and passés. But awhile back when I read an Instagram bio saying, “Artist first, teacher second”… I put mental-fingertips to keyboard because dance is my pulse, more often than not.

But that can’t be all that I am, right?

All that “we” are if we are driven to a verb?

Recently, my family saw “Message In a Bottle” by Kate Prince (after my eldest sister gifted us tickets and then I couldn’t go because of my eldest daughter’s needs but then my husband loved it so much and felt that was so unfair- though totally worth it. The motherhood bit… But still something that was tough to forfeit, even if I can’t regret any of the sacrifices of momhood- that he surprised me with tickets that combined being with her and getting to see what my family wanted me to see, so I wouldn’t have to fully miss the intended giving)….

And [deep inhale] I got a wave of reassurance much like the kind when witnessing various Matthew Bourne productions on rental over the pandemic. My girls and I curled up and made an elaborate movie night of his Romeo and Juliet (my favorite) and his Cinderella… But of all the Neo-classical “re-making an original tale” that Bourne showcases, and all of the Hip Hop origin “making my own story” I relate to of Prince… I still know the following truths:

I made endless stories without resources and payment… But no one person can do that forever.

I can dream as big as others hope me to dream, and the worlds we made were bigger… But no amount of beautiful ideas and absolute execution creates success and luck.

On the idea of absolution: A choreographer can be prolific (there are a great many ideas granted ‘grants’ out in the world that never become concepts), but even if we make exactly what we say we are going to make all of the time… It doesn’t always “mean” as much as when your ‘reach’ is only so large. But how small minded is that? As if, because I can’t be a Bourne or a Prince, a story doesn’t matter?

You can be prolific in what you make… But if you cannot promote it to as many eyes as it deserves: Does it mean the same? If a tree falls in the woods but then only a tiny audience sees your work… Did the tree ever make a noise?

I wonder what YOU think: Should someone keep making art even if it only reaches so far, and the resources arne’t there, and dance loves to sh*t talk, and bringing a group of humans together always means signing up for being misunderstood and judged 100% of the time (not 100% of the people, but it’s 100% odds that you - even if you’re too sensitive and soft around the edges like a well-loved rabbit- will be the person that someone goes home and complains about to their loved ones, even if they don’t mean to, because that’s just the deal. Not 100% of the people, but 100% of the time, at least 1 person will want to and need to, and ‘you’ are signing on for that, even if you’re not the type of person who can handle that side of humanity well. You’d rather live in a small little cabin in the middle of nowhere and be sick and sad in peace… Because it’s 1 million times scarier to walk right into the spaces where you’ve failed, and try not to fail again, then it is to move or hide or change, and never risk again).

Should the “art” still exist, even if there is no person who’s perfect?

Enrico Cecchetti once said, “Remember that a distinguished dancer is not necessarily a good teacher”…. And I miss teaching for the love of it. I miss pouring love into students and dreams and choreography, even IF it meant someone would dislike it. The world is trolls and hornets and hatred (and real problems like life, and death, and war): So how do we make it better by making things, even if it means you must be more than the verb you’re making?

One of the biggest myths of being a dance teacher is: “If you can dance, you can teach.” Teenagers are thrust into teaching jobs without ever being forced to learn child development, anatomy, and the history, linguistics and curricula of the art form. We don’t always value dance educators based on resume, experience and education, but rather point to a talented dancer and assume they’re qualified to run a classroom.

I am wary of dance studios with young teachers who haven’t been properly mentored in choreographic editing, learning styles, lighting, and more, because everyone deserves that sort of nurturing. And it’s okay if not everyone wants to teach. The world needs more artists.

The world needs more art. But the art of teaching (any subject) should be just as revered and valued as the “doing”, if not more so.

How do I fall in love with falling in love with loving-something again?

Even if it doesn’t pay, or have reward, or become an enormous touring success. Especially, if.

My sister suggested another bio for many: “Student first, Teacher second, Artist Always”…

And that’s exactly what I hope to hope to be.

THANK YOU my Word Nerd friends and to all those helping this independent memoirist continue to work by upgrading to paid (which also helps my goal of gifting my every-weekday-writing for anyone who asks for a reading scholarship, no questions asked)….

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