Meet A Death Doula: "The 10 Question Toolbox"

"Much of dying is actually figuring out how you truly wish to be living."

I am someone who is obsessed with knowing what makes “admirable someones” become who they really are. I read every feature I can find on self-made bosses, independent creatives and rebel academics who define themselves by their own rules, but also don’t wait around to be “self made” by the society that be.

If 10 Questions had to define the best of the bosses breaking glass ceilings- from the fun to the fortuitous- What would they be?

Enter: The Ten Question Toolbox. Where YOU can read about the rights and rituals that make women from every walk of life begin to chip away at the world’s ‘wrongs’.

Of Note: You’ve heard of anti hero. I am anti-celeb. This will not be name dropping or a salacious social flex, in case you’re hoping it’s so. I love a good Vanity Fair counter moment (and this will sometimes feel like that), but I also love when Allure goes in the lives of women at the top of their careers that are not singularly Hollywood.

This is about learning from all women from all walks of life working to become experts in their chosen expression.

Stand on the shattered glass of dismantled ceilings with us and take notes, please….

They’re not going to ask twice

Introducing: Christina Doherty.

She is unique because she is my first 10 Questions interviewee (eek!) and she is of a profession I’ve only recently learned about… wish had been there for those I’ve loved and lost throughout the years… and a chronic illness ongoing-survivor who still ushers others onward in peace as a Death Doula.

(Also, she is a sunflower of a human that you’ll wish you could be friends with, just as I do)

THE 10 QUESTION TOOLBOX

1. What piece(s) of pop culture, history, science or art changed your world view as a teenager, and would have made a different “you” if you’d never found it?

“Oh man, absolutely musical theater! I can’t tell you how much it saved me. I grew up listening to Les Miserables, which was definitely my gateway drug! I was never actually well enough (or talented enough) to participate directly in a show, but I could not possibly consume enough of it!  I will go to local community theater shows, elementary school productions, anything! I was a kid who struggled a lot to express the more complicated things I was feeling. Putting words to my emotions was just not something I was familiar with. But somehow music changed things.

I can remember my parents walking in bewildered at why their 6 year old was sobbing over her classical music lullaby tapes. It just touched me in a way that I couldn’t say.  In theater, the actors were able to use that music to express everything that I could not, as well as feelings that I had never even felt before. It has always been a really intense and intimate experience for me to listen to or watch. I still am that way to this day. That feeling when the house lights drop and the beginning notes begin to swell through the silence.  I think I live for that feeling. I’m known to cry from the opening act to the very close (and beyond) no matter what it is we are seeing.

2. Every boss has some sort of wisdom like “make your bed every morning” or “say a mantra in the mirror twice a day”… what is one piece of advice you think we give women that they don’t have to cling to as much as we’re told? [What can we let the F go?]

“Absolutely stop telling people that “Life/God never gives us more than we can handle” “You will be healed you if you just pray hard enough, or meditate enough, or ____”

I was someone raised in Faith; God is still an important part of my life and how I cope.  But that kind of advice is absolutely, categorically, harmfully, WRONG and I am so tired of the backhanded guilt and shame that these well meaning statements can cause someone when they already secretly feel like they are drowning. You never know the hidden burden people are carrying.

‘These statements keep people from asking for the help that they desperately need. Its like having someone offer you a life preserver but instead it bonks you on the head and knocks you out. I know these statements water a seed of self doubt in me that I shoved down so deep in my childhood that its roots are completely entangled with my very being. The truth is that we all really want to believe these things! I want to believe these things! Heck, I have said these things! We all fundamentally want to believe that we are in control and that “that” could never happen to us. But the truth is that none of us are gonna make it out of here alive, no matter how much we want to believe it.

Eventually, there comes a day when we can no longer handle it, where it is too much, and it is not for lack of faith or lack of trying. We need to stop enforcing this idea that if we just try hard enough we can overcome. This isn’t just a religious/spiritual problem. I get messages every day trying to sell me supplements, crazy diets, reiki, meditation, and radical self love. Basically “If you just tried harder you wouldn’t be sick!” I can feel those roots of guilt clench harder in my gut just writing it.   “You need to exercise more, take magic mushrooms and only eat between the hours of 12 and 12:13” Im so tired of being told that there is always more that we can be doing and the very fact that we are still sick is a failure of self. Sometimes life does give you more than you can handle. You reach a point where it isn’t even giving you lemons anymore, and there is no tree sap resin or sweat lodge in the world that is going to change that. One day it’s all too much, and we, as a society, need to learn to sit with the discomfort of that; And to sit with each other in that. Maybe it is more than we can handle ALONE, and would be a little less unbearable if someone was just there to share the burden.”

3. What is the one habit or ritual that truly changed your personal productivity goals, or helped you take a solid step in what you wanted to achieve?

 “I’m one of those people who, when I get out of bed in the morning, I really consciously try not to get back in until it’s time to sleep. Obviously life is ever changing and my needs sometimes dictate that I spend more time in bed.

 But having a chronic illness, I have found that it can become way too easy to get comfortable working from bed. Heck, it’s 2024, even perfectly healthy people are running into this issue with the continuing options for working from home.

 But I find that I do my best work when I create a distinction between my work hours and my personal time; When I get up, sit at a desk or a table, and really devote myself to what I am working on.  Not having a real set job all the time sometimes makes me feel incredibly unproductive between projects, as if the work I do behind the scenes is less important because I seemingly have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.  I’m someone who’s worth is often very tangled up in my perceived productivity and being disabled makes me feel like I have even more to prove. Some days I am an artist, some days I am a doula, some I’m a YouTuber and others day I am lucky if I can survive just being a “professional patient.” The last 12+ years for me have been back to back surgeries and recoveries. Its really easy to lose focus when the best you can manage that day is to get to the bathroom and do your PT exercises. A year and a half ago I had to have a surgery so radical that the initial recovery time alone was a year. That meant being strapped into a huge and uncomfortable hard shell back brace and having to pretty much rely on everyone else for everything! I very quickly started to feel like I was losing myself and had to make the decision that recovery was now my full time job and that I was going to take pride in my work just as I would do anything else. I’m so thankful to say that I beat every odd and am considered one of my surgeons most successful cases, and also that that recovery is now a more part time gig. But it got me through. It comes down to intention.

One thing I have started doing recently is I like to light a candle when I sit down to “work” or study to signify the beginning of my “work day,” and I blow it out when I have finished.  Its a reminder that although I don’t have to clock in or clock out, I am still devoting that time to what I am doing or who I am working with. That time is sacred. I’m not scrolling on instagram, I am honoring and respecting my client, and enforcing boundaries that are there to protect me from burnout as much as possible.

  In creating that distinction, I end up doing better work, feeling more productive and feeling less guilty when I reach for a personal hobby at the end of the day when the candle is out. Plus, I find I sleep and feel much better having not been in bed in the same position for the whole day.

  Spillover is going to happen. People are going to need you outside of “business hours,” but if you make a habit of respecting your boundaries most days, you will have it in you to pick up that extra call.”

4. How does a dream work day begin for you, and how does it end?

“Honestly, I don’t think I really have an answer to this question.  I think that being a jack of all trades keeps things really open for me. I think thats the above all, I measure the success of a day by its impact. Sometimes the days spent at home on a phone call or answering messages can be just as impactful as a day spent out working with people directly and hands on. Sure, I picture myself being able bodied and being able to zip all over visiting people and bringing them things they need. I say that “I like to deal in dreams and wishes.” But the reality is, that in this stage of my life, that often isn’t always feasible. Its not something that is easy for me to accept, but it is the truth. And I do think that sometimes it even helps me to connect even more deeply with the people I am working with because I am able to meet them at the level they are at as they are often mourning that very same freedom.

5. Who is the voice in your head that knew when you regretted something in your past or speaks to you the most… and what mantra or quote do they say?

“Oof, this question makes me squirm. I am someone who tries to live my life without regret as much as possible. I believe heavily that the decisions we make in our past help to create who we are. But I do have some very specific regrets that have heavily influenced what I do today. 

There have been times in my past, early in my diagnosis, where I let my fear get in the way of me reaching out to or visiting with people when they needed someone the most. I think I was afraid to see what my future might look like. So I created distance, knowing that getting too close would only cause me more pain in the end. It’s now a source of great shame to me having experienced the things firsthand that I was so afraid to bear witness to before.  The thought of the isolation they went through is a continuous driving reminder to me each day to reach out to those who most need it and to never shy away from the realities of illness or aging. Fear is the enemy of connection, and Im only sorry that it took me so long to understand that.”

6. If you had to describe your “signature” as a professional, what component of your “work-confidence uniform” (style)- which can include makeup or hair - feels the most you?

“I’m going to be brutally honest here, because this is something I have been struggling with. A LOT.  I feel like I’m right back to my 11 year old self, trying to figure out who I was if I wasn’t a competitive gymnast anymore. I’m really having to reinvent myself. But I’m trying to tell myself that I GET to reinvent myself. Living with and working with chronic illness is difficult. Sometimes, you are forced to change gears at the drop of a hat and it’s really easy to lose yourself if you aren’t careful. There’s not a lot of reprieve and your identity can slip into your work, or vice versa, if you aren’t intentional.

My personal style has always been my way of representing myself. I make jewelry on the side and crochet and I get so much joy out of making and wearing my creations and seeing them on others. I also have an eye for fashion and am kinda known for my wacky boho outfits. To me, it’s way more about how I feel than how I look. I don’t care if I look completely ridiculous if I feel like a fairy princess. It helps me feel like Im in control of something. Like when people see me, their eyes aren’t first drawn to my mobility aids or tubes, but to my cool necklace, boots, or petticoats.  I like a little bit of quirky magic. Like I said though, it’s been tough on me lately! Thanks to some unfortunate complications of trying to keep me alive, I ended up doubling my weight, having my teeth knocked out in a fight with a breathing tube, having my face disfigured by an allergic reaction to a surgical pillow (of all things), and having half of my waist length curls buzzed off. I lost a lot of my confidence in my self expression. Add a year in a full back brace and a pandemic and I am just now buying clothes to try to fit my new body that make me feel something again. But hey, I did learn that when all else fails in life, pierce your nose. So that has to count for something”

7. If you could meet yourself 10 years ago… what would you say?

“Wow, thats a really tough question. I almost wouldn’t want to.  Is that an option? I don’t think I would have been ready at the time. I think I really needed this time to grow and to slowly accept what life had in store. I think 10 years ago I thought I had it all figured out, now I know how little I really ever knew.

 I would have told you who I would marry and when. I would have known exactly which school I was going to and probably what I would study. Now I laugh at how young and naive I was just as I will probably do 10 years from now looking at myself today. I think I may honestly be a little horrified to learn the way things would go. But I don’t really regret it. That life was not for me and neither were those people. I would have been terribly unhappy and I don’t think I would want to risk not being the person I am today. Like I said before, I’m not someone who likes to look back and wonder “what if.” I am more a “Do the next thing” kind of person. Things get too scary when you start planning too far ahead. I just try to take the next step and do the next thing. Its gotten me this far.”

8. What song would play at the celebration of your life one day… What color would you hope to be remembered by… And what last meal would you have wanted?

“I have always said that I would want my loved ones to be able to celebrate or mourn however they need to to move on. The services aren’t really for me after all. But my training as a doula and just talking to people has made me realize that making your wishes known to loved ones ahead of time is actually extremely healing for people, so I guess Ill eventually sit down and lay out the full mix tape. Maybe Ill break it into eras for extra dramatic effect. But a big thing in our family is sing-a- longs. So there will definitely be one of those.

My beloved German grandmother, Omi, was crazy for sing-a-longs and the power of community that they created. She lived through world war 2 Germany to come to America and eventually find herself working at a Hebrew rehab with many Holocaust survivors in residence. For many of them, an upbeat little blonde haired blue eyed catholic woman waltzing into their rooms with a guitar was a bit off putting. But within minutes they would be singing their old favorite German songs together and reminiscing of times long past.

Sing-a-longs are in my blood and just as we sang my Omi to rest, I wish fervently for the very same treatment. And Im sure there will be many ukuleles in attendance! Everyone in my large family was heavily encouraged to learn when my Omi could no longer hold her guitar and joined her local ukulele class. My Opa and uncle just started a sing a long and ukulele group at his assisted living. Clearly it's my legacy. I assume they will play anything number of my favorites. ‘On Top of the World’, ‘Wildflowers ft Dolly Parton’, maybe throw in ‘525,600’ for some dramatic musical theater flare; and of course, ‘You are my Sunshine’ since its very easy on the ukulele and not all of us can be Omi.

As for color, I always loved green so maybe green. But I swear to you I will haunt anyone who messes up the shade of green and goes anywhere near lime or neons. Hunter, emerald, evergreen? All good. Love a good mint green. But NO lime. My instructions will be very specific on that. Something that is big in doula work is making advanced care directives. It basically allows you to continue to be a control freak from the grave. The more of your wishes that you write down and make known, the easier it is for your loved ones to make the decisions that they have to make once you are gone. Those decisions are already made, and that is clinically proven to lessen the risk of depression in caregivers post loss. So I would love nothing more than to leave that kind of legacy for my loved ones.”

'“Oh, and I’m totally going out with a full KFC family bucket meal with ALL the sides! Even the coleslaw! I have given it A LOT of thought! I’m pretty much allergic to every item on the menu, so I guess it would be killing two birds with one stone? …Or rather one bird with two stones?”

9. Do you believe women can have it all… or do you believe in another philosophy/perspective to give you hope when you’re losing faith?

“I personally believe that having it “all” in the traditional sense is wholly overrated. If you ask society what it means to have it “all,” it will point you to Pinterest and Instagrams of perfect looking moms with perfect looking homes and perfect looking families. Sure, I think that some women can pull that off and be happy.

Do I think that this is for everyone? No. I think everyone needs to define “all” for themselves. Nobody can do everything perfectly all at once. I have nothing against the boss ladies who are making traditional rolls work and feeling fulfilled, But its not always attainable, or even desirable. And theres definitely a difference between appearing to have it all, and truly feeling like you have it all. To me, it’s more about contentment.

I have had to make peace with the fact that I will never be society’s idea of the perfect woman. I will always have to do things a little differently. I will never be content with contentment. I will always be chasing more. I don’t want my life to get stale. I never want to stop learning. I want to be the quirky fun aunt who is always onto some strange new passion or hobby. I want to be adaptive. I want to dip into a little bit of everything.

Sometimes, in my opinion, when life closes doors, it’s just leading us down another hall. Will I always mourn the fact that I didn’t get to go to college or that I won’t be able to carry a child? Yeah, I think I will always wonder what those paths would have been like. But I also love the road I have taken, the people I have met, the opportunities I have had. I’m okay with different. But thats just my own definition of ‘having it all’”

10. Where do you hope to be 10 years from now and why?

“Fulfilled. When you ask that question I think that the automatic answer in everyone’s head is “happy.” And of course I hope that in 10 years I would call myself happy. But more than that, I hope that I feel like I have a purpose. then I know I will be happy. No matter what my future holds, I want to always feel like I am being useful; I want to be a part of a bigger plan. I want to be a part of making other people’s lives better. I would hope that whoever it is that I become is someone that I can be proud of.”

And if you have a few sentences you want included about your line of work since it’s fascinating but many don’t realize it’s even an option- or anything like that- I can include anything you want, and craft a nice intro! Whatever is helpful to telling the story of your passion and focus and calling

The thing that I have learned in my short time working with death, is how much of dying is actually figuring out how you truly wish to be living. People say to “live like you’re dying,” but I don’t think we really take a moment often enough to remember that that is exactly what we are all doing. We are all dying, all the time. That obviously doesn’t mean we can all just quit our jobs and go on some lavish vacation. But I think that if we, as a society, talked more about death as the inevitability that it is, we would all be able to connect better to each other. Death is something that we have been taught to fear and hide away, but once you start talking about it, you would be surprised how open people are! The second I tell people what Im doing ,they always have questions and even stories to tell me about loved ones in their lives.

I think its wonderful that something that was once so taboo is becoming a much more open conversation.”

For more of The Ten Question Toolbox, stay tuned… and if you believe more “Healthiest Habits” or “How They Got the Job” or “Greatest Roles” or “Days in the Life” SHOULD include more women (and women from every field and fruition), please feel free to share share share.

THANK YOU my Word Nerd friends and to all those helping this independent memoirist continue to work by upgrading to paid (which also helps my goal of gifting my every-weekday-writing for anyone who asks for a reading scholarship, no questions asked)….

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