My Sadness Had Never Even Met Sadness Before
I have deleted this at least five times….
Because I don’t want to be someone who posts the happier moments in life without understanding the privilege that comes with a sentence containing “happier moments in life”.
I am completely aware of the fact that we just lost a second-daughter to us- almost one year ago at almost-16-years-old (be ready for the May 28th she deserves when the day hits)- and my whining about “when it rain it pours” poorly weather is literally sunshine by comparison.
And now, photos of myself… in sunshine.
Oddly, while reflecting on the brief bit of time I had with my best friend trying to uphold a tradition we start about 4-years-ago wherein we escape to a “4x4” in its (slightly more affordable) off season, together, as a way of meeting in the middle ever since she moved over 10 hours away to sort-of-Boston to become an Occupational Therapist (rude), despite our being undying friends for about 10 years now despite my trying to die many, many, many times on her (truth)… even though no one can show the beauty of a roadless road in a 6x3.
And I do mean roadless because… well, our favorite thing about this tradition is the fact that there are no roads on the beach where we go, and it truly feels like a life-risking mission just to go and get milk (vodka) and thus is exactly the type of vacation an extroverted-introvert and a true-introvert can take: The kind where the world is very, very, very far away.
And I know that we know that the people we love, or have lost, or even the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost from General Suffering want “us” to be happy… But sometimes I think if you’ve been hurting for long enough (which the last few months have felt for myself and my family for reasons not directly connected to the afore mentioned loss, though that can and never will be escaped, and shouldn’t be)… You start to hallucinate in the mirage of pain.
I cannot tell you how often I am asked to “just write happy things” or to “just smile more” and no one wants to more than me… But I also don’t like typing lies.
So when life gets as complex as ours secretly has been behind the scenes, as of late (things I will not dictate here for privacy reasons), and you start to look back on what you used to think was “the worst time ever” with fond favor… You start to lose what way is up and what way is down. But, at least to me, as long as the center of my moral map is always one of honesty… I feel geographically decent about what I share, and feel, and… am?
In looking back at the photos from just a couple of weeks ago, and wishing it were warmth and roadless roads all the time, I couldn’t help but also remember summers and swimsuits and traditions passed, and so - although this perspective-less ‘prose’, tracking from Present to Past, shows mostly me, and mostly books I’ve loved- it feels comforting none-the-less.
Last spring, we couldn’t do our off-season, no-pavement tradition because I had ‘stage week’ for our dance company at that time (and saying “our” is not actually odd pluralizing in this sense, because the ‘true-introvert best friend’ was actually one of the very first “judges” at our very first audition when we started in 2017, and also, one of our first choreographers- her work even featured on the Kennedy Center stage). But, where is the whole ashamed part of this UV-ray?
It could begin with loathing myself for being as self loathing as I’ve been lately (and that was before things got so bad we had to pause current life and begin this new one): My sadness had never even met sadness before.
Normally, I speak of “perspective” like it’s a common article in the English language. So… How could I lose it so fast?
Sometimes I think that, even as we keep battering our windows with more and more emotional hurricane shutters:
We miss people and lose perspective…
But it’s easier and easier to reverse the two instead.
THANK YOU my Word Nerd friends and to all those helping this independent memoirist continue to work by upgrading to paid (which also helps my goal of gifting my every-weekday-writing for anyone who asks for a reading scholarship, no questions asked)….
If you can’t become a monthly subscriber, simply share share share to help keep this work going for free
Wow I just don't know what to even say to this. This really is the dichotomy of someone who is truly torn between desperately wanting to be happy and glitter and stuff, and someone who is heavily morally bound to the ugly truth that is real life currently. I know you are going through a lot of very difficult problems right now, but the fact that you can still admit that you truly want to be happy is a very positive sign. What you really need (other than a back that cooperates, and lungs, and pancreas) is someone to confide in that reminds you that you aren't seeking perfection, but rather a happiness or at least comfort level that you can feel capable and confident in. Not personally knowing everything going on I can't tell you right now how to remedy anything, how to cope, or give you positives on the situations, but I can be here for you to listen whilst you let it all go.
Thank you for being true to thine self, first! One of your many strengths is your resilience! That’s depicted in your writing, your honest, straight-from-the-heart style! It’s what draws your readers to you, Bailey Anne! And we thank you!