Should We All Be More Concerned About This?
(I’ve had a theory for a long time)
Did you get a chance to check out yesterday’s column?
It’s free to you now (Life In The Grey) BUT…
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Shutting up now…
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I’ve had a theory for a long time that every time I have a procedure of any kind (which is often), I have a “dip” about a week later.
That “dip” is my very un-evolved way of saying: I feel super depressed.
“I’m not a depressive person,” I’ve said for most of my life: “I have OCD and I’m anxious, yes. I stay up worrying about the ways of the world all night long, sure. But I never have trouble getting out of bed.”
I’ve written this here. I’ve said it there. It’s done, said, said, done. “I use my neurosis for good?” I’ll sometimes even justify a little too hard, “- like pouring them into details of a show or a job or…”
But the thing is: there a million things out in the world that can make our own world feel like the unbearable likeness of being (or not being).
Cruelty of the people you thought loved you the most? That’ll break a soul down like a cardboard box for recycling.
The dismantling of your “identities”, or what you thought you contributed in any good or tangible way, or realizing that real people can really, really lie? For me, nothing shattered my heart in my late teens and 20s more than realizing that the world doesn’t always want to believe that what’s true is true - no matter how evidential it may be. (‘They’ just want to believe what’s marketable.)
I’m not even sure why we have juries anymore, to be honest.
I believe in the order of law oh-so-very-little more and more, especially as “right from wrong” in our public figures, private figures, and even families means so much less and less.
Armstrong had it right when he wrote: “Nice guys finish last”…
But even if I’ve faced the same “no one believes or cares about the truth” feeling all over again in my late 30s in more than one way: I still would rather finish last and lonely (and neurotic and in bed) than without some sort of moral compass in my head.
And even if we all have a camel’s back needing mending in this life, it turns out that there really IS merit to the whole “I have a dip right after a procedure” thing. (Even if it’s on the heels of a year where I’ve been much more vocal about feeling pervasive sadness).
I’ve written vaguely about the heartbreak of the last few months.
“Situational!” I disclaim loudly, lest someone label me unfit for being human (when being human should actually mean feeling feelings as we feel them so they don’t boil and fester instead).
Once we realized what I thought was menopause was actually my estrogen levels being four times what it should be (and progesterone too)- a medical mystery I’ll be much more direct about once I finish tackling all the tests and tediums- I realized that “hormones interact with neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which regulate mood” is a factoid that really stinking matters.
But hormones can’t be blamed entirely for heartbreak.
An uptick in pain and loss of agency can’t be souly blamed for heartbreak.
My heart should be blamed for heartbreak…. Most of all, my naivety.
But, anesthesia? Anesthesia can actually trigger depression on a real and true clinical level.
Did anyone else not know this?!
I have talked about having a week of a “dip” after somatic intrusions as if it’s a gentle toe tap into a hot tub for as long as I can remember. For 10 years at least! I downplay it. I slough it off. I call myself crazy.
Why do we all call ourselves things just for feeling feelings after major traumas? (Just me?)
“Depression is a common complication after surgery or general anesthesia, especially within the first 6 months. Depression can be a factor in increased morbidity and mortality, and can make it more difficult for patients to cooperate with caregivers.”
So, if someone is having a procedure or surgery at least once a month for the better (worse) part of 12-ish years… and yet going and going and going through life like nothing has happened when something HAS happened… IS happening =
What does that do to a person?
Should we all be more concerned about this for all of us?
“I can’t go on like this,” I said to my partner recently, after realizing that many parts of me I thought were going to improve in some way cannot (namely, the crushing levels of sitting pain from my spine)…
“But it’s not just me that’s the problem”.
PART ONE.
More tomorrow to end the week (and this piece)!
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I understand the way that you handle and try to downplay the trauma and depression. for a while now, I have been handling things in the opposite way, but for a period of time, I was pushing myself forward, and I really got sooooo much more out of life that way. I would cry over my misfortune briefly and then I would just move right on and try to do the next productive or fun thing. I feel that the medical trauma I was periodically going through just didn’t rob me of as much of my life when I pushed myself to keep going forward (within reason). You are in such an extreme situation with the level of pain and medical trauma and I think it makes sense the way that you do try to minimize the effect of your emotional suffering and try to function as much n as well as you can. I absolutely think you should give yourself as much patience and grace as possible, and know that you’re living thru what most would consider unlivable. (Dark, but I say this to acknowledge the reality and the courage it takes for u to survive and how rare n precious u are). I think the way that you push yourself forward is something that is necessary in your situation. you just don’t have the time or luxury to grieve in the way that someone else would if they only had a few surgeries in their life. It’s a very tough balance because in order for you to get anything done you really do have to shrug so many things off because your medical issues are continuous , and you are trying to maintain as much normalcy as you possibly can. Anyone who knows what you go through would not blame you if you just flopped on the ground and never wanted to get up. But that isn’t how you want to live your life, and you r doing your best to take ownership over your life. Google “radical acceptance” if you aren’t familiar with it… love u 😘 proud of u always.
I don’t know how you average a procedure a month….even if anesthesia didn’t contribute to depression, I think anyone would feel periodic “dips”. I deal with depression- it is one of the symptoms of multiple sclerosis, the disease actually changes the chemistry in the brain. Ugh- not fun! Anyways, I hate that you have debilitating pain issues and I am sorry that you deal with depression too❤️