You Can Be Flawed and Broken and Wounded and Lost

"Selena Gomez made a documentary about..."

At 3 AM, I found myself taking quizzes through tears like “What Religion Should I Be?”

(I got Hindu and Buddhism)

And then, as if the whisper of my body felt an instinct down my limbs, I decided to grab a weathered book from my husband’s personal collection.

Inside, I found the inscription written for him in 1996- still present in pen.

As I searched, I found something I never thought to find: A belief that believes in (and respects) all beliefs. That looks at the world as one country- not fractioned, warring crumbles of soil that weren’t even ours to begin with (I paid attention to Pocahontas lyrics. Did you?!) That believes in equity: Women are equal… Languages and cultures are equal.

An ocean of acceptance and poetry and the ever present Golden Rule.

Every day since, I’ve found myself exploring what it feels like to pursue something that just feels right. I don’t have to explain why. I just know that the riptide was winning… and now, somehow, my head is slightly above the water.

You can have lifelong dreams that never come true but you work for them anyways (I will be).

You can have lifelong dreams you didn’t know you ever had, having had turned strongly away from your old, faithful ones because of the ways you saw “faith” treat students you knew and loved… and still find a life-vest in choppy waters.

You can be flawed and broken and wounded and lost amongst your sea of loss… and still hope that somewhere, somehow, the other 95% of unexplored ocean is doing okay. (And that there are mermaids.)

We make adults feel like if they aren’t ‘perfect’, they won’t be worthy of being ‘worked with’ (?) Or rather, having work.

Selena Gomez made a documentary about her mental health where she showed the true pretty-ugly and said it’s a constant process for her.

She's been to four mental health treatment facilities in total (via Rolling Stone) and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but she also has Lupus.

I know all about her lupus and her life saving kidney transplant and the lifelong disease that is being a post-transplant person (trading one tricky thing for another), but recently read the following quote about her mind:

“I will always be working on my mental health, and I will always evolve,” she said to Today. “I’m not better or worse than anyone. I’m simply just a person living and surviving every day.”

In thinking about it, I can’t help but wonder,“Did some directors not want to work with her because of what they read on paper?” or, “Did others in her field consider her potentially unreliable before giving her a chance, because she shared her neurological illness and not just her physical ones?”

Maybe.

But then I think: Who in the hell works with creatives of any kind and DOESN’T expect a little struggle and a lot of vulnerability (See also: nearly every lauded writer, painter, actor and onward since as far back as we make history books).

No employee is going to roll up without a body that sometimes fails, or a brain that sometimes falters. Therefore, when can we change our approach to being human… instead of stigmatizing, ostracizing, and judging the 100% of people with 100% of the same contents?

This is not a surprise by now. Brains and bodies come with the package… So, can we work together to just start planning for it?

"Having to take steps to make yourself healthy takes a lot of work," Selena said… and that part really sticks because:

This isn’t a destination.

Surviving is a practice.

It’s proving them wrong with how they define family.

It’s proving them wrong with how they define a good mother (Hint: it’s not how mobile or medicine-free you are).

(You can’t make someone want to stay in a family, or fight for their mental health, or to be a safe person. All you can do is keep being one yourself. Truth floats. Do the right thing, choose family everyday, and the right things will come to the surface in time.)

It’s proving them wrong with how they define grief between siblings, or how loss should look for anyone.

It’s proving them wrong by grieving.

It’s proving them wrong by asking for help; By giving it.

It’s proving them wrong by knowing that faith doesn’t have to be posted or said (or the same as someone else) to be real… It just has to be honest.

You’ll know the moment you’ve found it… because when you begin to ask questions, you’ll relax into the waves.

(Plus, faith that isn’t tested is just a belief. Beliefs that are authentically questioned once you find that deep dark sea of unknown requires the action of faith.)

I’ll stop saying the word faith now… but I won’t stop exploring it.

I won’t stop saying the word adoption, because that dream will be colorful acrylic in our lives for years yet to come. Something that doesn't become real by my sharing something some always already knew… But that feels nice to daydream about anyways; To put into the air just to do so.

I won’t stop talking about how Sick People can make expansive, efficient, evocative stories (hire me?), or be of professional worth.

Sharing about being sick doesn’t hurt us…

It’s becoming disposable in the eyes of those that don’t know any better that does.

Those that look at sick mothers (adopted, chosen, given), professionals, ocean-seekers through a very cracked lens.

Please… know better.

“What does a life worth living look like for you?” they asked…

And I was too scared to wish for what I wanted by any star.

But then…

The star found me.

THE END.

Thank you for following along with that week-long thought and share and raw rant of sorts.

I’m so so so grateful for you.

What is something good that happened to you this week? I’d love to know!

See you next week- xo