You’re Eventually Going to Have "Red Flag Years"

(When we first met, what he thought I didn’t have was… words)

Below, please find an unedited, uncapped, full length version of a romance related piece of writing from last week on social media.

I’m considering not writing every single day here, as I’ve done for a year - because it’s not the norm on Substack, sure, but more so…

Because I’m now trying to find balance in this ongoing archive while continuing to pour worthwhile work in.

And therefor aim to find a mix of posting brand new, only-on-Stack full length pieces + as well as un-chopped pieces = to make it still feel like a full space here, and not like anyone is being shortchanged.

Here are a few pennies, short of a dollar?

Thank you for a beautiful week together.

More on Friday!

Yours,

B

I’m going to say something sh*tty and cynical:

I’ve never liked being online on Valentine’s Day.

It has always made me feel jealous and guilty at the same time.

The cynic in me rolls her eyes a little bit at all the Pinterest-style personifications of what we think is perfect for posting.

I see how someone say they’ve finally found their “best friend” or how “my life wasn’t complete until I met you” and I think about how much I don’t want that to be true for the majority of us out there because I WANT us to have some feeling of wholeness just as humans on this planet, and I know that I’m lucky enough to somehow have made two best friends in this life- passing the time and trauma test together … and I’m not married to either of them. (And they are very, very happy about that.)

But I also am a hopeless romantic.

I could win Pop Culture Jeopardy on celebrity marriage trivia alone (it’s a problem), and I am probably the first person you should want to tell about love because I will believe in it FOR you, despite every red flag.

Yet I also think we don’t educate many on what should matter in a relationship… and what that is is just whatever matters to YOU. There is no formula, but we are told there very much is.

The hard truth is that, for many, once you’re beyond a certain year marker: you’re eventually going to have Red Flag years. So listening to your instincts means everything when you first meet someone because whatever their personal worst is and your personal worst can be = is going to get exponentially worse when life gets worse.

You’ll have good years, bad years, good months, bad months - but as long as you’re morally and ethically of the same thread (you HAVE TO BE safe and respected even when life hits the fan. Divorce should be named something else when it’s about safety), you’ll find your way through the knot… it just might take awhile. And too few people say so.

We talk about “in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor”… but I think the couples who’ve only ever really been the latter (and then, for decades on) should be remembered when the going gets tough.

Because we talk about the tough years like they’re going to pass and if they don’t, we’ll pass on that person … but for more couples than movies ever show: it doesn’t pass.

You can’t buy each other chocolates or candles that year… then the next, then the next. You can’t go on a vacation or to dinner (or get a hospital-free month). The person you love IS going to f*ck up at some point too… and so are you.

Can a hopeless romantic and a cynic be the same person? And can they celebrate this day? Yes. But for every lovey dovey post out there, I think about my single friends who really want love… and I want them to feel just as loved as those projecting love without the honest parts too.

The honest truth is: We all need to be more honest truths about the worthiness of all types of love.

▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️

I’m not able to buy him anything today and I’m a terrible cook, so what I have are… words.

When we first met, what he thought I didn’t have was… words.

Well, at least in the way he understood them. I was voice off at the time as a Deaf woman, and he only knew some sign language- but we still tried to be friends. Once we started typing words to each other, we both saw our true selves.

You might be surprised to know he doesn’t really read what I write most days (unless I force him to like today), or that he didn’t know I could talk - in a traditional spoken English sense- until a few dates in. But none of that really matters. Because here’s what does:

You can meet someone when you’re still in your Kanye era and they’re your Pete era… and they still stand by you somehow.

You can meet someone who pours so much of themselves into your dreams and your art, that they actually practically break their life apart and lose all rhyme and reason in trying to make your wants happen… and you have to try to heal them back to a place of just worrying about your needs. (Because yes, it turns out: you have to look out for the loves that love you more than they love themself and make sure they don’t actually do so.)

You can meet someone who loves you through so many phases and versions and edits of yourself, that you can’t believe how clearly they saw you before you could.

You can meet someone who texts you “what do you want for dinner?” every single day, and who’s love language is constantly handing you small things you need before you’ve even asked for them.

You can meet someone who lived a full life before you, and had their own traumas… yet somehow, make a somewhat fused life without deleting either part of that person.

You can meet someone who knows how f*cking funny you are (because you’re really a gem).

You can meet someone who lets you talk about the things you’ve lost in this life as much as you need. (And congrats! Your gift today? More words. Is it revenge or is it romance? It’s both!)

You can meet someone who doesn’t notice your grey hairs or fine lines (and notices the way you look so little, it’s almost to a fault. Like hello, “Do you see my hair is slightly curlier today than normal?”)… but who’s lack of perseverance on your appearance is so freeing that he actually wants you to ‘get old together’.

You can meet someone who’s a better person than you.

You can meet someone who knew that you both would celebrate Valentines by going to work, and texting about your spine being messed up this week, and then supporting your daughter today because being a parent matters most of all… and yet, they can still do what matters most in this world for you:

They brewed the coffee this morning.