I Get Very Quiet When I Am In Pain
“I’m so stoic”, I warn doctors before a needle takes the plunge, “I will not show you if I’m in pain.”
“Does it hurt?” A physician will ask - pushing palms into places that burn or lifting legs at angles that scream silently in return and I deadpan with utter sincerity: “Yes”… but THEN:
The explanation™️.
“I am not someone who yells or cries when she is in pain so this is often as much as you are going to see. You are going to have to take my word for it. This is just what I do… I get very quiet when I am in pain.”
It’s true… but the way we regard how someone ‘should’ or shouldn’t react feels like watching a woman in court without pre-trial presumption of innocence. ‘Didn’t like their smile or lack of crocodile tears? Say goodbye to all those years.’
The only way I, at times, have been able to endure the greatest moments of suffering in life were by being a liar.
People pleasing. Smiling. Faking it. And even if I’m not making much of anything… it pleases me as a person far more than anyone else.
I have a strange game going with myself, in a way. How little can I flinch with that discogram ? How nominally can I react when the staples come out? I guess, if you’re forced to live IN something for the long term, you eventually have no choice but to find a way to sustain something inside. If you can’t change it, challenge it… Even IF the challenge is just not showing pain when it’s at its worst.
… and I wish more of us understood and even encouraged that?
Not the “faking it” (it’s unhealthy. I’m aware), but rather:
If something helps us with hurt and it doesn’t hurt anyone else, then maybe that’s just called ‘finding a way’.
▪️Part One
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Iso agree. Any coping mechanism
is a good one (good not necessarily
healthy). Those coping mechanics
help us get through the daily grind
of chronically ill life. The challenge
you have yourself is not necessarily
unhealthy if done right. What you are doing is turning inside and becoming introspective. This allows you to analyse your body whilst at the same time blocking out most external stimulus. This is smart, but I do hope you convey to your carer the specific level of pain you're in, or a movement causes, by your words (which you're a master with). The carers need to know the exact level of pain to tailor your treatment plan, and look for anything out of the ordinary with recovery so it is imperative that you communicate
that even if you physically don't show it. I have a question. Do you not have insurance or MA? Either of those would pay for PT so you can recover more effectively and fully. It scares me that after such an intense and invasive surgery that you currently don't have access to PT. I also hate flm-without-consent culture also. If you're like or in a crowded public space, or with friends then that's okay it's a POV documentary of ones adventures (think vacations, parties, or similar), but in professional settings or emergencies (crashes, fires, and
the like) it's absolutely not okay. I'm
praying you find some way to get PT so you can recover fully, quickly, and get back to dancing sooner.