Thank You for the post! So many thoughts - so I will refer to two of them: (1) praising - the lack thereof in all of the communication can be due to something that I feel when asked to comment on something: that telling that I like sth / view sth as good, positive, fun is like getting naked in front of the interlocutor. I can speak freely about my sexual orientation but when I tell anyone that e.g. I like a specific film/book etc. is sooo hard (being laughed at every time when I expressed the above in the childhood + teenage years must have helped a lot…). (2) sometimes (although rarely cause „it is not a real issue”) I wonder how my life would have looked w/o chronic depression or tinnitus. Would I be more successful? Even happy? How would it be to hear silence ever again?
this this this this. I obviously can't relate or shouldn't takeaway from your personal experience with what medically plagues you, BUT the feeling of "Who would I be?" IS almost like a plague itself for us, on top of our health. Sometimes I think "I'm good at mind over matter. I could do it!" and then a bad few days hit and it's almost like Im embarrassed at the optimistic thought inside my own mind, at myself and towards myself... even if no one heard it. But then also... Taking a risk on a body that lets me/others down is potentially taking a risk that impacts others and: THAT isn't something we can just "believe" our way through, you know? Hurting others by thinking we can be JLos all the time when I'm also a J-low sometimes (bad joke, still pleased) is not just a lack of optimism or something the internet might otherwise tell us : /
Thank You for the post! So many thoughts - so I will refer to two of them: (1) praising - the lack thereof in all of the communication can be due to something that I feel when asked to comment on something: that telling that I like sth / view sth as good, positive, fun is like getting naked in front of the interlocutor. I can speak freely about my sexual orientation but when I tell anyone that e.g. I like a specific film/book etc. is sooo hard (being laughed at every time when I expressed the above in the childhood + teenage years must have helped a lot…). (2) sometimes (although rarely cause „it is not a real issue”) I wonder how my life would have looked w/o chronic depression or tinnitus. Would I be more successful? Even happy? How would it be to hear silence ever again?
this this this this. I obviously can't relate or shouldn't takeaway from your personal experience with what medically plagues you, BUT the feeling of "Who would I be?" IS almost like a plague itself for us, on top of our health. Sometimes I think "I'm good at mind over matter. I could do it!" and then a bad few days hit and it's almost like Im embarrassed at the optimistic thought inside my own mind, at myself and towards myself... even if no one heard it. But then also... Taking a risk on a body that lets me/others down is potentially taking a risk that impacts others and: THAT isn't something we can just "believe" our way through, you know? Hurting others by thinking we can be JLos all the time when I'm also a J-low sometimes (bad joke, still pleased) is not just a lack of optimism or something the internet might otherwise tell us : /